Used with duotone filter applied under the Unsplash license.]
“Speak now, or forever hold your peace.”
You’ve heard this line millions of times at weddings.
Apparently, in the age of marriage exposé culture, the line has become a little different: “Post now, or forever hold your peace.”
The Spill
On December 29th, 2023, Indonesian influencer Ira Nandha (@iranndha) posted a carousel of pictures and screenshots of her husband’s affair. Allegedly her husband, Elmer Syaherman, who is a pilot, has been having a relationship with a co-worker.
The timing made it too impossible to ignore. It was exactly 3 days before New Year, with most people having been on holiday break. Including me.
She started the post saying sorry for hiding her husband’s affair for four years. She had caught him 6 times and had kept it private. But this time, she couldn’t take it anymore. She did not want to hancur sendirian (fall apart alone), but hancur bersama (fall apart together).
The Search
The internet went crazy, or at least that’s what my feed looked like. The now-deleted post reportedly reached almost four million likes overnight and has over 689,000 comments.
And the interesting part for me is: she did not spill out her identity.
Yes, there were screenshots of chats and photos of her face posted on Ira’s Instagram stories. But a face without a name is a cliffhanger. It felt like an unfinished puzzle, and boy, does the internet LOVE to play detective to find the missing pieces.
And it does not take long for the internet (and the media) to put two and two together. There’s even an article profile with her name, workplace, birthplace, and even her hometown, published as exhibits in the court of public opinion.
The Pelakor Genre
Turns out, Ira is not the only one to expose the pelakor in her marriage.
What is a Pelakor?
Pelakor stands for perebut laki orang (husband stealer). The term went popular on social media in 2017, to label Mulan Jameelah as the home wrecker of the Indonesian celebrity couple Ahmad Dhani and Maia Estianty.
Pelakor (n.) a woman who has an affair with a married man
TikTok by @indonesianwithlauren.
How does pelakor become a content genre?
In 2025 alone, there are at least five other Indonesian influencers who have made the same exposé of their own partner’s infidelity: Dilan Janiyar, Na Daehoon, Dian Soediro, Riyuka Bunga, Iris Wullur, and Agnes Jennifer.
The pattern of the content is also pretty consistent in genre: they spill it, little by little. However, the trajectory of this exposé culture is levelling up to the next stage: monetization.
At this point, clearly influencers have done the math: affair and scandal content generates huge engagement. And Sarah Gibson elevates the formula.
She started the post like everyone else, in a regular post. But THEN she posted the next pieces of evidence of the pelakor on her exclusive Instagram subscription. Means that people have to pay to see it.
Another influencer, Clara Shinta, also published her husband’s infidelity since it is a part of her prenup agreement. It states that if either party in the marriage cheated, the other party can publicise it as content.
This type of content is not just an influencer thing, either. A lot of ordinary citizens also use this exposé format with a touch of personal style. With a phone in hand, on record, they are ready to catch the husband in action.
A few viral stories and confrontations of these affairs go so far as to be adapted as films, so absurd that even affairs with a sister-in-law, or even weirder, with a mother-in-law, could literally exist in real life.
TikTok by @estunosotrovosotro.
Also read: How a man’s affair with his mother-in-law became a viral film in Indonesia
The (Justice)fication
The Justification
Honestly, I salute these women for being brave enough to speak up. I believe, to some extent, this exposé movement could be seen as an act of empowerment, that, if I am being cheated on, silence is not my only option.
It also feels like a genuine attempt at deterrence. It would make people think twice before cheating. Or else, your image will be destroyed on the internet—forever.
Researchers have termed this digital vigilantism (or digilantism for short). Basically, it’s the act of shaming someone publicly for doing wrong.
In Indonesia, this act is hidden behind the slogan No Viral No Justice: that if you need help, just post it online. The internet will do its justice.
The Justice (in question)
I am all about seeking justice, and I do not stand for infidelity.
However, we need to address the elephant in the room: that in Indonesia, the word pelakor is a gender-biased term that places their entire guilt trip on “the other woman”.
Not even a single syllable acknowledges the husband, nor do these exposés ever mention the husband as being in the wrong. This is sexism, plain and simple. It is not right, and since it takes two to cheat, both of them should be held equally accountable.
TikTok by @itsindahg.]
Also read: In Indonesia, a sexist term for ‘the other woman’
And as much as fellow researchers point out the real sense of satisfaction in judging someone’s wrongdoing, it should never be a justification for online bullying and doxing.
So, is spilling your own infidelity the new flex? Maybe. But I want you to sit, think about the consequences and who pays the price.
Ira said that she didn’t want to hancur sendirian. But in the end, who is the one hancur sendirian? Should we justify the harm (or benefit) in the name of justice?
Share this:
Leave a Reply